The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
