It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
