i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
