come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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