I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
