Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
