6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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