Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize