oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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