If you die in college, do you die in real life?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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