i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
