apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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