girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
