Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
