two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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