im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
