you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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