ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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