i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize