Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
