fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
