I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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