Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
