happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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