Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
