We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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