i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
