You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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