I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
