Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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