But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
