i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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