genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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