just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
