Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
