She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize