i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
