You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
