Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
