im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
That's when you crack a 10am beer
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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