i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
