he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize