Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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