if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
