I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
