i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
