Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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