I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize