My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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