I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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