Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
