I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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