Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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