A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
