DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
