He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
