i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
