I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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