Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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