you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
