Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
