Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
