Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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