some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
