What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
