ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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