While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
