bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
