The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
