I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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