She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
