It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found a bag of teeth...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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