your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
