Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
